Sunday, April 5 - Finding Kai-ndness

Day 73. Hello, my name Is kai, and I am an addict. I'm addicted to saving the world, and it's destroying my life.

On the weekend, just like the old days, Mat Trouble is on point rocking a 4 hour set on Troublemaker Radio. It's already Saturday morning for me but I bust some moves. Not everyone is ready to join me yet, but someone has to start the dance.

We argue and fight, late into the night. Shaolin cries into a couch cushion, ready to give up on me. Obsessed and defiant, I'm ready to burn out like a dying star, self-immolating for the chance to change the world.

I try, patiently, to bridge the distance, but it's a vast chasm, chipped away by moments over two months, but it's escalated with the stress of the book deal, the media tour, the crushing Chinese editor and other extenuating factors. All around us, couples are losing their cool. We did well to make it to 70 days.

We go shopping, after some strong coffee, and it's almost normal. They don't even take our temperatures anymore. But everyone still wears masks. When everyone has a mask, I realize I probably don't need my goggles, and that's a comfort, as I shove them. in my pocket.

I record a short video, for a union conference in Toronto, we want to train their workers on how to be AsCans, Astronaut Candidates, how to make it in this new world of cosmic horror.

The floor is lava, the air is poison, but here's how to make a spacesuit.

"Apocalypse bunny, looking for love: Y N M?"

Love in the time of COVID, where even a move-out, or a breakup is some next level laser, splitting your space station in twine.

Being a "children's tv show host" by day and 24-hour obsessed journalist and revolutionary leader for protective fashion has been exhausting, and my marriage has been hanging on by a thread. We're hemorrhaging students because I can't keep on this way, and Shaolin can't pretend to be ok with it.

I play hockey with my dad, and my New Jersey Devils slay his AllStars 4-1. I play like the devil is on my tail. Every breath full of defiant life, but I'm tough, I'm fierce, I'm not patient. I'm unkind. Un-Kai-nd.

In two days, I have to start a media tour for the book, and I'm not sure my marriage will survive unless I unplug for the next 24 hours and recoup.

Adam, an old friend, is wonderful enough to help with the new blog site. Turns out after 8 hours of sleep, I can wake up and solve my most immediate problems though, but I'm happy to have him on board for the bigger ones. This rollout is important. It's only our front-facing effort to rebuild a better society, you know, no biggie. Reports are coming in from fantastic, strong voices all over the world. I held my hill, for 70 days, but now it's time to take a rest and recharge and make space for others to flourish. For other voices to speak their truth. My role is changing. It's scary but exciting. I resist, unready to let go of the front line, but Shaolin pushes me. I am learning to listen, despite myself. The Revel Alliance is thriving, I love you - and we have some excellent new mods and admins.

I whip eggs, with those blasted sleek steel chopsticks. It takes time, it takes focus, and it takes dedication to get them to bubble up. It's not easy, but in the end, it gets done. Wax on, wax off. Shaolin knows.

I promise, not her angry demand, but a halfway, to only save people during business hours for a while, to unplug for the weekend, and to make a nice dinner. I chop potatoes and green onions, garlic, and ginger and savor in the aroma of a new hope.

See you soon. Stay Safe.

 

This diary entry is part of Kai’s collection, from an upcoming book titled The Lighthouse, his second collection of COVID-19 diary entries, this one is a collaboration of voices from around the globe. He shares with them iChongqing, and at www.theinvisiblewar.co.