Friday, August 21 - Returning To China Will Be the Happiest Moment in My Life

By Alina  KAZAN, RUSSIA

I get up most days at 9 or 10, depending on what I have to do—drinking my coffee and eating Russian breakfast, which is bread and butter with a slice of cheese or salami. When I wake up, the first thing in my mind is always, "where am I?" Am I in my bed in my Chinese apartment, and all of it was just a bad dream? But no, it wasn't, it's reality. I'm not in Chongqing, it's not a dream, and the life that I love is far away now. My biggest fear was that I wouldn't go back to "my life" till May, then August, now it's August, and I'm scared.

I started working, teaching English online, with a Chinese school a few months ago, and then with a Russian one, but as the salaries are incomparable, I quit the Russian one. I had left my home in Chongqing for a two-week visit to see my family, and now I don't know when I can return. When the virus spread to Russia, our president pretended to take serious measures and organize the lockdown, but actually half of the population had to go to work because His Highness was unwilling to pay people for staying home. The virus spread this way quickly, and it's quite serious in Russia now. The borders are closed, maybe for a year, the government has said. Every month I have serious breakdowns; I even had to see a doctor. I call my boyfriend in Chongqing every day, and I miss my life there. I am happy that it's already August, time goes faster, and the possibility to return is closer.

I'm absolutely disappointed with the way the government chose to fight the virus because they decided to do nothing but fine people for not wearing masks and gloves (so stupid btw) everywhere, even on the streets. In comparison, police officers wear cotton masks on their chin. Better not wearing masks at all then. Those who had to work were given special certificates that allowed them to go out, needless to say, that lots of people were faking them. I'm so disappointed and tired of the stupidness.

Everything was closed during the lockdown, no cinema, no restaurants to go, that actually sucked a lot, but we survived. This time was hard on me, on everyone. Every night I go to sleep thinking that I'd never have gone back to Russia if I knew I wouldn't be able to return to China. I made two mistakes: when I decided to visit my family in February, the second one is when I obeyed the order to cancel my ticket and not fly to China, unwilling to lose my scholarship.

I have trouble sleeping since I've realized that I'm trapped here for a long time, and I can't fall asleep without listening to audiobooks (I'm finishing the fourth one). You should try it if you have the same problem. I'm emotionally tired and exhausted, tired to hope that tomorrow, or after tomorrow the Chinese government will announce that we will be allowed to return. I guess it will be the happiest moment in my life so far.

Kai shares his diaries of the 2020 pandemic and all its challenges with iChongqing. The first collection is to be published soon as ‘Kai’s Diary’ in China and ‘The Invisible War’ internationally. The second collection is tentatively named ‘The Lighthouse.’ You can read them all on his blog, also, www.theinvisiblewar.co.